Introduction:
Family[1] is the first human institution that came into existence. Before there was a society, there was a family. Before there was a school, there was a family. Before there was a Church, there was a family. Before there was any other human institution, there was a family. God the creator is the one who established this institution. A family is society in miniature and Church in miniature. What happens in the home or family invariably affects the Church and the society. What we see in the society is a reflection of what happens in the family. If the family functions as it ought to, for the purposes for which it was established, it flourishes and the society also flourishes. But if the family looses a sense of purpose, the whole human society looses a sense of purpose and direction. If there is chaos in the family, there will be corresponding chaos in the society. On the contrary, if there is order in the family, there will be order in the society. For any person in the world, the family is the first school, first Church, and the first training ground for interpersonal relationships. God gives such central importance to the family in human existence in this world that He has given us lot of information about many marriages and families in the Bible. The marriage of Isaac and Rebecca is a classic example (Gen. 24). The family life of Abraham and Sarah intertwined with their ‘faith journey’ is described in great detail (Gen. 12-25). The information about all the marriages and families is sandwiched between the first marriage that God himself performed (Gen. 2) and another grand marriage with the greatest wedding feast that will take place in the future at the Second Coming of Jesus Christ (Eph. 5: 32; 1 Thess. 4: 16-18; 5: 10-11; Rev. 19: 7-9).
In the Bible, we see that God always works in and through families. Noah’s family was a righteous family; they walked with the Lord in their generation. Because of their righteousness, God warned others through them (Noah particularly) and saved them in the flood, which destroyed the whole world (Gen. 7:1). Abraham’s familywas chosen so that God might bless all the families or nations of the earth through them. This is what God says about Abraham: I have chosen him so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just (Gen. 18: 19). Joshua, a great leader who led the Israelites to victory in their battles said, “Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve . . . But as for me and my household we will serve the Lord (Joshua 24: 15). In the New Testament too we see many exemplary families like the family of Elizabeth, Zachariah, and John the Baptist (Luke: 1: 6-58), the family of Aquilla and Priscilla (Acts 18: 1-4), etc. When it was time for God to enter into the history of humanity to save them, he chose the young family of Joseph and Mary who were betrothed to be married (Luke 1: 26-38). All these families knew God, knew the plans and purposes of God and fulfilled them in their generation. So let us now focus our attention briefly on God’s purposes for us as individuals and as families.
What is the purpose of human (your and my) life?
I am not assuming that you do not have a purpose in life. We all might have some purpose or something that is driving us in life. Life becomes boring and meaningless if there is no purpose and so we all make up a purpose for life and get busy trying to achieve something. Once I (SM) had a very interesting conversation with a small boy (B) who was going to school. Let me give you a summary account of that conversation:
SM: What are you doing?
B: I am studying Uncle.
SM: What class are you in?
B: I am in Class III Uncle.
SM: Why are you studying?
B: I am studying to get good education and then to get a good job.
SM: Why do you want to get a good job?
B: To make money.
SM: Why do you want to make money?
B: I want to get married.
SM: Then what?
B: I will have children Uncle.
SM: What will you do with your children?
B: I will send them to school so that they might get good education, then get good jobs and make money, and finally get married and have children.
SM: What will they do with their children?
B: They will do the same thing Uncle. You can’t understand even this!
We laugh at this, because it is the story of a young boy and the boy was going in circles without any ultimate meaning. But most of us men and women are just like that boy. We are not better than that boy. Some of us are busy making money, some are busy trying to make a mark in their career, and some others are busy trying to make a name for themselves. But what is the purpose behind all this? What is the ultimate purpose or goal in life? This question arises because we know that we are not going to be here in this world forever and hence whatever we achieve in this world becomes temporary and transient. But what we long for is not something that is passing, but something that is permanent or lasting. This is so because God has kept or planted eternity in our hearts (Eccl. 3: 11) as the wise man said. So what is the ultimate or eternal purpose of human (your and my) life?
Who can tell the purpose of anything that we can think of? The one who has made that something, isn’t it? The easiest way to discover the purpose of an invention is to ask the inventor or creator of it. The same is true for discovering your life’s purpose and my life’s purpose – we should ask God who created us. You and I are not accidents. We are not the products of random shuffling of molecules. We are created by God for a reason and hence our lives have meaning. God almighty takes personal care in creating each one of us. Before you and I were conceived by our parents we were conceived in the mind of God. Psalm 139: 13-16 gives us a beautiful description of God’s creative activity in shaping you and me in the wombs of our mothers. So only when we make God the reference point of our lives and turn to him can we discover the meaning and purpose of our lives. And God has not left us in the dark to wonder and guess. He has revealed his purposes for our lives in the Bible. It is the Maker’s Manual that our maker has given to us. It explains why we are here, how life works, what to do and what to avoid, what to expect in the future, how to relate to others, how to fix problems, etc.
The answer that the Bible gives to the question of the purpose of our lives can be summarized in these words: God created us so that we might know him and enjoy him forever. We cannot enjoy him forever on the earth or in this world (in its present form), because both this world and our live in it are temporary and hence passing away. So we are created for eternity and not just for time. We should not live life as if this world is our permanent home. We are aliens, strangers and pilgrims on the present earth. The decisions we make here determine our eternal destiny. What we do with this life determines where we will be in eternity, either with God (heaven) or away from God (hell).[2] So we should live this life keeping eternity in view and knowing that at death we do not leave home but we leave for our eternal home, either hell or heaven. So, all that in our lives which has no eternal significance is eternally useless. This truth is captured for us in the following Scripture portions: Psalm 39: 4; 119: 19; Eccl. 12: 7, 13-14; Hebrews 13: 14; John 5: 28-29; 1 John 2: 15-17 etc.
We should all probably pray like Moses, the man of God prayed many centuries ago, when he said, “Teach us to number our days aright, that we might gain a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90: 12). Unless we gain a heart of wisdom, we cannot live our lives (in time) wisely with eternity in view.[3] Those of us who think that we know God personally should take this truth very seriously and not allow ourselves to be too closely attached to the temporary things of the world. James 4: 4 has some very strong exhortation for us: “You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.” We should pay attention to the exhortations we find in 1 Peter 2: 11 and 1 Corinthians 7:31 also. But now let us focus our attention briefly on how we could know God and enjoy him forever.
How can we know God and enjoy Him forever?
As mere humans we cannot know God through our own efforts. Humans have intrinsic inability to know God, because God is infinite and holy and humans are finite and sinful. So there is an infinite gap between God and human beings, which they cannot cross to reach God. So for humans to know God, God should take the initiative and reveal himself to them and pay the penalty for the sins of humanity and God has done this in the person of Jesus Christ, the God-incarnate. Humans cannot save themselves. No religion, including Christianity can save humankind, because religion is about humans seeking and striving to reconnect with God. That is why the Bible says that Jesus (the God-in-human-form) is the only way to heaven. This truth can be seen in the following Scripture portions: John 1: 14 and 18; John 3: 16-18 and 36; 1 John 5: 11-12; John 14: 6. No one can believe in Christ for us; we have to do it personally. No one can receive the gift of salvation for us; we have to do it personally. Have you made this decision, which is the most important decision in life? If not, why not right now? It is only through this personal relationship with Christ that we can know God and enjoy him forever. There is no other way. If there was any other way, then the suffering and death of Christ on the Cross would have been avoided. Now in the remaining space let us look at God’s blueprint of his purposes for families and see how good families can help individuals to know God.
What are God’s Purposes for Families and how are Families linked to the Other Great Purposes of God?
We can discover God’s purpose for our lives most easily in the context of a family that knows God and enjoys God. That is why the Bible says that those who know God personally should marry only those that know God personally. In 1 Corinthians 7: 39, Paul writes that a woman is bound or tied to her husband as long as he lives and that if the husband dies, then she is free to marry anyone she wishes. However, he adds that ‘he must belong to the Lord’. In 2 Corinthians 6: 14-7: 1 also Paul teaches that believers should not be yoked or bound together with unbelievers. Literally, it (the Greek word heterozugountes) means ‘to be mismated or unequally/differently yoked’. This is taught because, when both the partners in marriage belong to God and know God’s purposes, it would be easy to pursue those purposes. Otherwise, there will be friction and conflict of interest. If one of the spouses (both unbelievers at the time of wedding) comes to know Christ, the one that knows Christ should live his or her Christian life in such a way that the other partner might be drawn to Christ by looking at his or her life (see 1 Peter 3: 1-2 and 1 Cor. 7: 10-16). Let us now focus our attention on God’s blueprint for families and then see how the other purposes of God are linked to godly families.
God’s Blueprint for Families: God planned and ordained the family to be the basic unit of society, to provide care, cultivation, and companionship, and for procreation. It is to be a training ground for the nurturing of children and for conforming adults into godly men and women who can bless the world and glorify their Creator. Throughout the Bible, we notice that God identified people by their families. From the earliest time, God has cared so much about the family that he provided the foundational guidelines that would make it solid and keep it strong over time. Our focus is going to be on the wife and husband relationship in this article and we will look at the Word of God to understand God’s purposes for families.
Genesis 2: 15-25 is the first place in the Bible where we find God’s timeless and foundational principles for a healthy marriage or family life. There are totally seven principles for a healthy marriage that we can find or draw out from here:
1. A man qualifies himself for marriage only when he learns to work and take responsibility (v. 15 and 19-20),
2. It is not good for a young man or woman to be alone beyond a certain point in life and he/she needs a suitable helper (vv. 18-20),
3. The woman and the man are equal partners in marriage (vv. 21-23; 1: 26-28),
4. Severance or leaving (Azab) – . . . a man will “leave (Heb. Azab) his father and mother . . . ” (v. 24) – The man should leave his father and mother so that he might cleave or be united to his wife,
5. Permanence (=cleaving/being united) – . . . a man will “leave his father and mother” and “cleave (Heb. Dabaq) or be united to his wife . . . ” (v. 24) – The man and the woman should cleave or be united so that they might become one,
6. Unity (= oneness) – . . . and “they will become one (Heb. Echad) flesh.” (v. 24) – The man and the woman should become one flesh, and
7. Intimacy (=shameless openness or transparency) – The man and his wife were both “naked, and they felt no shame.” (v. 25) – The man and the woman should have a shamelessly open or transparent or intimate relationship one with another.
The seven foundational principles for happy marriage or family life are now listed. However, this list might give rise to some questions in our minds about the validity and meaning of these principles. How can these principles that are drawn from just one passage in Genesis be valid? Are we not reading too much into this passage? What does it mean for a man to leave his father and mother and to cleave to his wife? What does it mean for a husband and wife to become ‘one flesh’? How can a wife and husband be naked and not be ashamed? These are critical questions and we will now answer the question of the validity of these principles first and then take a detailed look at the questions about the meaning of the principles themselves.
These seven principles constitute ‘the divine ideal for marriage’ and give us the biblical foundations of happy and healthy marriage and family. These principles are valid because of two reasons: 1) They are rooted in the creation account and in the context of the first marriage that God himself performed and 2) These principles are reaffirmed, built upon, and further explained in the rest of the Bible and are never superseded nor contradicted. This truth will become obvious as we study each of these principles in a detailed way and consider the teaching in the rest of the Bible.
1. A man qualifies himself for marriage only when he learns to work and take responsibility (v. 15 and 19-20): After God created the man, Adam (Gen. 1: 26-30; 2: 7), the first thing He did was to give him a job or work or responsibility (Gen. 2: 15-17). It is only after this that we find God talking about man’s loneliness and the need for a companion or suitable partner. This shows that a man qualifies himself for marriage only when he learns to work and take responsibility. This is the first principle. We also notice here that it was to the man (even before God created the woman) that God had given the command not to eat and the knowledge of the consequences of disobedience. This truth has significance for our understanding of the leadership function of the man in the family that we will consider later on.
In the NT, there is much clearer teaching that the man has the primary responsibility of working, making a living and providing for the needs of his household. If anyone fails to do this, he disqualifies himself for any leadership role in the Church of Christ (see 1 Tim. 3: 4-5; 5: 8; Titus 3: 14; 1 Thess. 4: 11-12; 2 Thess. 3: 6-15). The man has the primary responsibility of being the bread-winner and provider. However, the woman can or may or even should work and add to the family income depending on her skills, qualifications, interests, abilities, and convenience and the needs of the family. These things should be discussed and planned together by the man and the woman with much prayer and understanding. A Christian couple should be creative and biblical in working out these details and should not be stuck with some stereotyped or culturally limited and conditioned thinking.
This truth becomes more obvious when we consider what the wise man says in Proverbs 31: 10-31, where we find the glorious description of “a wife of noble character” who is rare and worth far more than rubies. It is not just the man that should not be idle and should not eat without working, but the woman also. Verse 29 says that a good wife, a wife of noble character and a good mother “does not eat the bread of idleness.” She works with eager hands (NIV) or works with her hands in delight (NASB) and she girds herself with strength (NASB) or sets about her work vigorously (NIV), and makes her arms strong or her arms are strong for her tasks (vv. 13 and 17). Such a woman plans things out with wisdom, does business (vv. 24 and 18), helps the poor and needy (v. 20), administers her household (v. 27a), provides many things that she knows more about than the man (vv. 21-22), and even buys property and plants a vineyard with her own earnings (v. 16). Her husband has full confidence (or trust) in her and lacks nothing of value (v. 11). Because of her, her husband is respected at the city gate or in the market place (v. 23). Finally, her children arise and call her blessed and her husband praises her as the best among the best of women (vv. 28-30) or as the most excellent woman.
2. It is not good for a young man or woman to be alone beyond a certain point in life and he/she needs a suitable helper (vv. 18-20): After giving work and responsibilities to man, God says, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Gen. 2: 18), and then decides to make a “helper suitable or corresponding” (Heb. ezer kenegdo) for man. Once again, God gives the man some specialized work of naming the animals, so that the man might also recognize or realize that he needs a “suitable helper” (Gen. 2: 18-19).
Beyond a certain time in life, it is not good for any man (or even a woman to be alone), because certain of the hidden potentialities can be actualized only when we begin to share life with a suitable helper, a partner in marriage. This is what we see happening to the first man, Adam. When God formed the woman, Eve (not Steve nor two or more women, but just one woman),[4] the suitable helper for Adam, and presented her before him, he became poetic instantaneously (Gen. 2: 23). We can understand that it is poetry, if we know the Hebrew language and see how the man’s hidden poetic potentiality got actualized on seeing the woman. If a person remains alone for too long, the un-actualized potentialities lead to frustration, loneliness becomes more intense, and the lack of a sense of fulfillment leads to different diversions or distractions and a sense of desperation creeps in. This is why God makes a home for the lonely or sets the lonely/solitary (Heb. yachid) in families, as the Psalmist says (Psalm 68: 6). If a person is called to remain single or given the gift of celibacy (1 Cor. 7: 7-9; 32-38), then it is a different matter. This is an exception to the general principle that it is not good for a man to remain alone and he needs a helper.
It is not just the man who needs a suitable helper, but the woman also (see 1 Cor. 11: 11-12). The woman and the man need each other and in some sense, make each other more complete and together reflect the glory or the image of the Triune God who created them. So based on the whole counsel of God, we can say that it is not good for a young man or woman to be alone beyond a certain time in life and each one needs a “suitable helper,” although it is the man who was given the woman to be the ‘suitable helper’ in the first marriage. This is the second principle that we can discover from the context of the first marriage.
In fact, the concept of being a suitable helper is a glorious one. However, not many women and men understand this properly. Wherever God is spoken of as helper to humans, it is the same word ezer that we find in the OT. For example, Moses named his son Eliezer (meaning, ‘God is my helper’), because he realized that his father’s God was his helper who saved him from the sword of Pharaoh (see Exodus 18: 4). In a sense, what God is to humans in general, that the woman is to her husband, ezer, a helper. Therefore, the idea of being a helper does not imply subservience or inferiority. What a position! It is a position of tremendous responsibility and privilege at the same time and both the man and the woman should realize this biblical truth. This truth will become more obvious when we study the next principle.
3. The woman and the man are equal partners in marriage (vv. 21-23; 1: 26-28): The principles of leaving, cleaving, and becoming one flesh can be put into practice best when we understand that the man and the woman are equal partners in marriage. There are two ways in which women and men are equal: one, by virtue of their being created in the image and likeness of God, and two, by virtue of their being saved in Christ. In other words, the man and the woman are equal in their essential humanity that reflects the divine image and in their salvation in Christ.[5]
Both man and woman are created equally in the image of God and are equal before God (Gen. 1: 26-28). They are equal by creation in their humanity or humanness. They share the same basic human nature with certain critical physical, emotional, relational, and other kinds of differences. These differences bring color and complementarity to the relationship. That is why the woman is a suitable (compatible or matching or corresponding) helper or help to the man. So we should learn to celebrate these differences and enjoy life by making them work for us.
The man and the woman are equal in recreation or salvation in Christ also (see 1 Peter 3: 7; Gal. 3: 28). All men and women, and hence the husband and wife in marriage are co-heirs of eternal life in Christ.
Therefore, we conclude that there is essential equality and functional difference between the man and the woman. Functionally, the man is the head or leader of the family (and hence has the primary responsibility of leading and providing for the family – Gen. 2: 15-17; 3: 8-9; 18: 16-19; Eph. 5:22-24; 1 Tim. 3:4-5 and 5:8), just as Christ is the head of the Church. The woman is a helper that is suitable for him (Heb. ezer kenegdo). The biblical model for marriage is that of loving complementarity, where the partners (the husband and the wife) value and respect each other and where the husband’s loving leadership is met with the wife’s intelligent response of submission. Christ, while being equal in worth and personhood, chose to submit to God the Father. In the same way, the woman is called to submit to the man, although she is of equal worth and personhood and this is how God designed the husband-and-wife relationship.[6] However, because of the many differences between men and women and the practical situations of life, the man and the woman shoulder different responsibilities and perform different functions in running the family.
Moreover, the woman was made from the side (Gen. 2: 21-22) of the man and this has some theological and practical significance. It is not from the head lest the woman should sit on man’s head and dominate, nor from the feet lest the man should treat her as inferior and keep her at his feet or dominate over her.[7] God’s creation of the woman from the side of the man indicates that they should stand side by side and move hand in hand and step by step in the ways of God, as equal partners in marriage. The wife and husband should help one another to grow more and more into the image and likeness of Jesus Christ (the process of sanctification). It is in marriage that the real character of the individual is seen most clearly, because marriage is the testing ground for true spirituality. Marriage (or family life) is one of the two most important means (apart from the spiritual disciplines) of sanctification (the other being the church) that God has given to us.[8] It is said of a theologian that he prayed for long for humility and God answered his prayer by giving him an honest wife. So each woman and man has to look at their spouse as an instrument of blessing or an instrument of sanctification from God. Thus, in marriage, the man needs the woman just as much as the woman needs the man and they are equal partners with differing roles or functions and capacities.
The man (who is the head or leader of the family, as we read in the NT – 1 Cor. 11: 3; Eph. 5: 22-24) should “leave (Heb. Azab) his father and mother,” and “cleave (Heb. Dabaq) to his wife,” and then “they will become one (Heb. Echad) flesh.” The man and woman were “both naked (Heb. Arom) and they felt no shame (Heb. Bosh).” These four phrases that we find in verses 24 and 25 give us four one-word principles that will keep a marriage or family strong: 1) severance, 2) permanence, 3) unity, and 4) intimacy. Let us now explore these key principles that are God-given keys to a successful or meaningful or enjoyable and God-honoring marriage or family life.
4. Severance or leaving (Azeb) is the prerequisite for permanence or cleaving and these two in turn lead to unity or oneness and intimacy or shameless transparency. Verse 24 says, “ . . . a man will “leave (Heb. Azab) his father and mother . . . ” (v. 24). Azab means to leave, forsake, free or loose. It has to be understood (within the context of the many shades of meaning in the Hebrew language) not just in physical terms of separation, but rather as emotional loosening of ties or distancing in such a way that the new person (the spouse) is given priority over the parents (and other family members) and the new relationship takes precedence over the older ones or all other relationships at the human level. It has this strong sense in the Hebrew language (see Gen. 24: 26-27; Psalm 119: 8; Ruth 1: 16-17). This is the fourth principle over all that we can discover from the Genesis account of the first marriage.
5. Permanence (=cleaving or being united) is the next principle. Verse 24 says that . . . a man will “leave his father and mother” and “cleave (Heb. Dabaq) or be united to his wife . . . ” (v. 24). Cleaving (Dabaq) is also a very strong word. It means to cling, cleave, keep close, be deeply attached, hold fast, and to join or stick or glue together in such a way that the possibility of separation is almost ruled out and permanence is implied. In Ruth, we read that when Naomi, in her distress told her daughters-in-law to return to their homes, they wept again, then Orpah kissed Naomi goodbye, but Ruth clung (dabaq) to Naomi (1: 11-18). When Naomi urged Ruth once again to go, she replied, “Don’t urge me to leave (azab) you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. . . . Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates (Heb. Parad, to divide) you and me” (vv. 16-17). Cleaving is the fifth foundational principle. The meanings of azab and dabaq can be seen most clearly in this context and we should take these to heart and live by them, because these principles are given by God. This perhaps is why the Bible teaches that God hates divorce (Malachi 2: 13-16) and He only permitted it (and never prescribed) under one or at the most two circumstances, because of the hardness of human heart (Matt. 19: 1-9; 1 Cor. 7: 10-15 and 39). Only when this kind of leaving and cleaving takes place can the two become one or united.
6. Unity or oneness (Echad) too is a very profound concept. The most important or central of these principles is ‘the two becoming one’ and this is the sixth principle. In fact, this is the most important of all and others either lead up to it or flow out of it. It is not merely about the sexual union, the two becoming one in a physical-sexual sense. It is a much broader concept of oneness – the two becoming one in all the different aspects and areas of life like plans and purposes, priorities, convictions, decision-making, spiritual life and disciplines, companionship and friendship, honoring the parents, etc.
Echad that captures the idea of unity in marriage is the same word that describes the unity within the God of the Bible, the holy Trinity (see Deut. 6: 4). It is unity in diversity (two separate and different persons becoming one) and not uniformity, like in the holy Trinity (One God or Divinity existing eternally as three distinct Divine Persons with perfect oneness and harmony). The standard for us is very high and we can never reach the ideal in this life; we can only keep growing deeper in our oneness experience and keep moving towards the ideal ‘till death does us apart’. This unity is never a done deal or fully attained reality in this life (like sanctification). This is understandable, because the two that come together in marriage are two different and unique individuals with different and sometimes very different personality types, family backgrounds, educational backgrounds, habits, hobbies, tastes or likes and dislikes, experiences, expectations, dreams, thought patterns, and so on. Moreover, the two are equally finite and fallen or sinful (even the born-again Christians still fight against the power of sin). As the two partners in marriage work on unity and become increasingly one, then the sixth principle or ideal of intimacy can be realized.
Martin Luther, who learned a lot from the school of marriage, remarked that marriage is not a joke; it must be worked on, and prayed over. He said, “To get a wife is easy enough, but to love her with constancy is difficult . . . for the mere union of the flesh is not sufficient; there must be a congeniality of tastes and character. And that congeniality does not come overnight.” He further commented that nothing is sweeter than harmony in marriage, and nothing more distressing than dissension.[9]In my view (based to some extent on experience and largely on observation), we can either see or experience heaven on earth or hell on earth in marriage. If we follow God’s principles, then we will experience more heaven and less of hell. It appears that the oneness that every couple should strive to attain (of course by God’s grace and with the resources that He has given) includes every single aspect of our lives (physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual) and it is this oneness that leads to heavenly bliss and intimacy in marriage.
7. Intimacy (=shameless openness or transparency) is the last principle. Verse 25 says, “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” Genesis 2: 25 describes the original, pre-fall condition of intimacybetween the first couple, wife (Eve) and husband (Adam). They were physically naked and psychologically without any sense of shame. They were totally open or transparent in their relationship one to another and even to God. This kind of transparency or intimacy is possible only when there is trust between the two partners. Trust and truth are inseparably linked both linguistically (in both the Biblical languages) and experientially. Trust and truth are the two tracks on which the train of marriage can run smoothly without any derailments and the engine should be run on the fuel of love. A truly intimate relationship is marked by unashamed openness or transparency (without any hide and seek business), trust, truthfulness, and love. This is the way God wants to see every couple.
It was the intrusion of sin that brought the realization of their nakedness and the necessity of coverings. Fear, shame, doubt or mistrust, and the tendency to blame and self-protect were the results of sin (Gen. 3: 7-13). It is because of sin that the loving harmony is replaced by a pattern of struggle in which the woman seeks to manipulate and exert control over her husband and the man seeks to assert his authority and frequently dominates his wife. In fact, it is sin that has made leaving, cleaving, unity, and intimacy (with unashamed transparency) difficult to achieve in marriage. God’s ideal for us is that we should enjoy all these and in Christ, He has given us the resources needed to work on each one of these principles and overcome the perverting effects of sin and enjoy life. God’s purposes for married couples and families are clearly given in the Bible and Jesus confirmed that what God wants for us is the original pre-fall ideals by referring to what God established in the beginning (Matt. 19: 8).
Although the man and woman are to leave and cleave (to become one) when they exchange vows and come together, forming a new family, the ties to the extended family form an inescapable chain of continuity and a net work of care, support, and accountability. We are to honor our parents and take care of them in times of need and in their old age.[10] The couple can also take their advice and guidance without allowing them to control or dominate and thus hinder the process of the two becoming one. Thus, the couple should ensure that their relationship with the parents (and even others like siblings, aunts, uncles, etc.) on both the sides is warm, loving, and God-honoring and that they themselves grow deeper and stronger in their oneness experience.
When the children see the parents being bound together in love and unity and growing together in trust and transparency or intimacy, they will begin to understand what God’s love is like and they can be taught the ways of the Lord more easily. It is in the informal settings that we should teach our children the word of God (Deut. 6:6-7). Then it will be easy for them to obey their parents as they are commanded to do (Ephesians 6: 1-3). The Bible has much to say about the relationship between parents and children also (see Deut. 6: 4-9; Proverbs 13: 24; 22: 6, 15; 23: 13-14; 29: 15, 17; Ephe. 6: 1-4; Col. 3: 21), particularly about parenting (both fathering and mothering).[11] God has spelt out his purposes not only for the families, but also for the world and He fulfills those purposes through godly families and it is to this that we turn our attention now.
Families and the Redemptive Purposes of God: When we build our families on these God-given principles, we will be fulfilling God’s purposes and God’s name will be glorified through our families. We are to follow the ways of the Lord as families so that God might bless other families and nations through our families. God blesses us to make us channels of His blessing to others, as we can see in the case of Abraham whom God called and blessed to be a blessing (Gen. 12: 1-3). We are blessed to be a blessing and we should never forget this truth. Our knowing God and making God known to others are the twin purposes of God for all of us as families and individuals and can be fulfilled simultaneously and easily in the context of a family that is guided by the purposes of God revealed in His Word.
Right from the beginning, since the first humans rebelled and got separated from God, His priority has been seeking and saving the lost. In one sense, the whole Bible can be divided just into three sections: Creation (Gen. 1 & 2), Fall (Gen. 3:1-7), and Redemption (Gen. 3:8-Rev. 22:21). We can see that most of the biblical history is the history of God’s redemptive activity in the world. God’s heart always beats with love and compassion for the lost and perishing humans and if we are truly the children of this God, our hearts also should beat with love for the lost. And reaching out to them should be our priority. Abraham was chosen and in him the Israelites (the people of God) were chosen to be a channel of God’s blessing to others. We see this truth in Gen. 12:1-3 and 18:16-19. Throughout the Bible, we see that it is God’s desire that His people should know Him and make Him known to others and bless them. In other words, God wants His people to both worship Him and witness for him. We can see this truth, for example, in Exodus 7:14-17; 8:9-10 and 20-23; 9:1, 13-14, 16, 29; 10:1-11; Psalm 144:9-13; Isaiah 37:20; 49:6 and 22-26; 56:6-7; Mark 10:45 and Luke 19:10; Luke 2:8-12; John 3:16; Matthew 28:19-20; Acts 1:8; Rev. 5:9 and 21:24-26. Our identity in Christ is that we are both a worshipping and a witnessing community (1 Pet. 2: 4-12). God wants to reach out to the lost world and his method is man (you and me or those that know Him). J. P. Moreland says, “For those of us who seek to be followers of Jesus Christ, the central demand of the New Testament should dominate our lives – the worldwide proclamation of the gospel.”[12] If you have not thought about Christian life in this fashion, we would urge you to reflect upon your life in the light of the great commission and commit or recommit yourself to the task of the worldwide proclamation of the gospel, which alone is the power of God unto salvation (Rom. 1: 16). How is your involvement as a family in the equipping and evangelizing ministry of your church? Do you pray about this? Do you invest any of your resources in the ministry in a systematic way?
It is very helpful for families to have a vision statement (that covers both the aspects of knowing God and making God known or of worshiping and witnessing), a statement of what you want to be as a family and for all members to be committed to it. In other words, this vision should include the aspects of spiritual growth as well as involvement in ministry. This will help us to stay focused in the long run and we will not miss the mark.
Our Lord Jesus Christ wants us to be (both as individuals and families) ‘world Christians’ (with a concern for and involvement in world evangelization) and not ‘worldly Christians’ (see Matt. 28: 18-20; Acts 1: 8; 1 John 2: 15-17; James 4: 4; Matt. 6: 19-24 and 33). This world Christian attitude should be cultivated in the family and seen in our prayers and investment of time, treasures, talents, and energy. If our children grow up in this kind of environment at home, thinking and living according to God’s purposes rather than our whims and fancies or the expectations of the world around us, then they will grow up and become godly leaders both in the Church and the society. This way, through our families, God’s name would be glorified, the Kingdom of God would be extended, people would be blessed, and we would have a sense of joy and fulfillment in our lives.
Conclusion: Let us, in concluding this study, consider some practical suggestions about how we can involve in the work of the Kingdom of God as families. We will list some suggestions and then deal with just one very effective idea, the idea or concept of ‘open homes’ or ‘families as centers of ministry’ that serve the Kingdom purposes, in some detail. It is an idea that we find in the Bible itself.
Some practical suggestions about how Families can involve in the work of the Kingdom of God: A family can adopt a missionary couple (or a single missionary), pray for them, and support them financially. A family can keep some gospel tracts or Bibles at home and give them away to the friends of other faiths that might come to them from time to time. A family should include prayers for world evangelization (may be praying for the nations in the 10/40 window or Mission work in the Muslim world, etc.) in their family prayer times. A family should pray for the local church that they are a part of and do what God wants them to do in, for, and through the church. The Bible makes it very clear that there is no place for passive spectators in the body of Christ and that each true member is gifted to do some specific things for the glory of God and the blessing of others (see Eph. 4: 1-16; 1 Peter 2: 4-12; 1 Tim. 4: 14; 2 Tim. 1: 6; 1 Cor. 12). So we have to be active, participating, and involving (or contributing and not just consuming) members of our respective local churches. Having considered a few practical suggestions about families involving in the Kingdom Work, let us now consider the concept of ‘open homes’ briefly.
Open Home – Family as a Center of Ministry: I want to share my testimony or personal experience concerning this concept first, give a biblical example, and then an example from the Reformation time. During the late 1970s, while I was a relatively new Christian, God blessed me immensely through the ministry of UESI (Union of Evangelical Students of India). I went to Loyola College, Vijayawada to do my B. Sc and got into the EU (Evangelical Union, the local unit of UESI) fellowship. It was in this fellowship that I learned the most basic lessons of my Christian life. I learned to pray meaningfully, to read and study the Bible, to share my testimony and the gospel, and even to do outreach ministry in other colleges and places. This ministry continues to flourish and bless lives (of college and university students as well as professionals) through out the country. The secret of the success of this ministry is the concept of ‘open homes’. The idea is that ‘a Christian family should be a center of ministry’. Students gather in these open homes for evangelistic and believers’ bible studies, prayer meetings, and they are counseled and guided in these homes. I was personally blessed (like many other students) in some of these open homes that were vibrant centers of ministry and were bussing with ministerial activities. I can never forget these families and their contribution to my spiritual growth and training for ministry. I praise God for these people and their homes. I know thousands of students and young professionals who have been blessed tremendously in and through these open homes.
When we got married in 1991, my wife and I had set up our home in a town called Tenali and quite naturally, we opened our home for ministry. In our open home, we had the joy of seeing many students from other faiths and nominal Christian background coming to know the Lord and of seeing young believers growing in their faith. God blessed hundreds of students and young professionals through our ministry in and through our home. We gave hospitality, spiritual nourishment, career guidance, and place for people to pray, study the Bible together, and plan for ministry. As a result of those years of ministry through our open home, today we have people in different parts of the country and the world who tell us that they were blessed through our life and ministry and that they are continuing the legacy in their own places and spheres of influence. We receive calls and mails very regularly from such people and some of them even come and visit us from time to time. We run into them in different places. Our hearts are filled with joy and a sense of fulfillment whenever we hear from or hear about and meet with such people. We see our investment (whatever little we were able to invest) of time and other resources into the lives people bringing rich dividends for the Kingdom of God.
What is amazing is that this is not a new concept or idea. It is as old as Christianity is. We find homes like this in the New Testament itself from the first century, when the Apostle Paul was still ministering and NT was being written. ‘Open Home’ or ‘Family as a Center of Ministry’ was a reality even in the formative stage of the Church of the Lord Jesus Christ. Let us consider the family of Aquila and Priscilla (Acts 18: 1-4 and 19), as an example. They provided a base for Paul to work from in Corinth. They traveled with Paul to Syria. Then they moved to Ephesus where they met a Jew named Apollos, a native of Alexandria, who was a learned man with thorough knowledge of the Scripture, instructed in the way of the Lord, spoke with great fervor and boldness, and taught accurately about Jesus. However, Apollos knew only the baptism of John. So Aquila and Priscilla invited him to their home and explained to him the way of God more adequately and thus trained and equipped him for more effective ministry (see Acts 18: 24-28). Their ministry through their ‘open home’ proved to be a blessing to all the churches of the Gentiles and there was a church that met in their house (see Rom. 16: 3-5; 1 Cor. 16: 19; 2 Tim. 4: 19). Paul describes them as his ‘fellow workers’ (Gk. Sunergos), who risked their lives in supporting Paul and his ministry. Paul was personally grateful to them and says that all the Gentiles were also grateful to them. They must have invested in and encouraged, supported, equipped or trained, and shaped many other leaders whose ministry must in turn have blessed all those Gentile churches. Often people that read these Scriptures do not realize the significance and the implications of what is written. The family of Aquila and Priscilla and many other families played a crucial role in the formative stages of the Church and through out its history. These families were hubs of the Kingdom Business. Lives were shaped and in some sense, the future of Christianity itself was shaped in those homes. Can you imagine the possibility of a modern day Apollos being trained and equipped in your home? Can you imagine your family supporting a modern day Paul and his ministry? We will now focus on just another family briefly and bring this protracted conclusion to an end finally.
Martin and Katie Luther family is a great example of a family that served the purposes of God in their time and in their generation and we can learn a lot from this blessed family. They had six children and the Luther household was ever-expanding. The government deeded the Augustinian monastery where Martin lived as a monk to Martin and Katie jointly. It had forty rooms on the first floor and at times every room was occupied. Along with their six children, they had six of Martin’s nieces and nephews, and four children of a friend who lost his wife in a plague. They also had tutors, student boarders, and the many guests that dropped in regularly from different countries because of Martin’s fame. There were others that they had to bring in to help in taking care of all these people. Martin was gregarious and thrived in this bustling atmosphere and Katie coped with all the demands on her time and energy in an extraordinary fashion. Martin’s students who benefited from his formal lectures during the day would come to him with their questions during the supper hour and the reformer’s famed Table Talks emerged. Katie would be at the far end of the table surrounded by the children while the students were taking notes close to her husband. Martin’s students published 6596 entries in their various versions of Table Talks.[13]
Even after children came and in spite of all the hustle and bustle all round, Martin did well in adjusting to doing his work in that fishbowl atmosphere. He often wanted to withdraw into himself at the time when Katie wanted to share his world. Commenting on this situation, Petersen writes, “As biographer Roland Bainton points out, “the rhythm of work and rest did not coincide for Luther and his wife. After a day with children, animals and servants, she wanted to talk with an equal; and he, after preaching four times, lecturing and conversing with students at meals, wanted to drop into a chair and sink into a book.””[14] We can only imagine how much patience and understanding each of them had to possess to live for and serve the Lord together the way they did. This would become more obvious when we realize the fact that Martin was a short-fused (quick/short-tempered) man and Katie was sharp-tongued (in fact both had quick tongues) and arguments were not foreign to the Luther household.[15]
However, one thing made it some what easy for them to work on themselves, help each other, and serve the Lord together. Martin, the genius husband focused on the ministry of studying, teaching, preaching, writing, etc. Katie the prudent wife focused on the ministry of household management (being a good mother, an efficient housekeeper, a wise manager of the farms, gardens, cattle, and livestock, and a small family brewery). According to one story, once Martin locked himself in his study for three days until Katie had the door removed.[16] We can tell that it was hard work and lot of patience on the part of both of them, in spite of the fact that they had a clear cut division of their total work.[17] This perhaps was fine in their life because of the different sets of gifts they were bestowed with. But if both the partners in a marriage have the calling and the gifting of God for the ministry of teaching, preaching, counseling, etc., then it would be all the more challenging to manage the different aspects of family life and ministry. In such a situation, both the partners need to have more understanding, patience, cooperation, willingness to share different household responsibilities, and less of self-centeredness and more concern for the other. This is the situation in our family, because both of us have the calling and the gifting of God for ‘ministry’. We are working hard on understanding, helping, and encouraging one another and serving the Lord as a family and God is giving us His grace.
What ever might be the situation in your families, there is one thing that we all need to remember. More than ever before, the Church and the Kingdom of God need more families like the two we have considered, now, that is, in our time and in our generation. We will do well to align ourselves and our families with the purposes of God, serve God’s purposes in our generation (Acts 13: 22 and 36), and contribute our mite to the cause of the Kingdom of God as Kingdom People and Kingdom Families. What are we contributing to the Kingdom of God and to our respective local churches – their life and ministry, as families? It is time for each and every Christian family to become a more biblically guided and godly family, to review and evaluate our family life, and to make some definitive changes. Otherwise, we will loose our opportunity to live for God, for the blessing of others, and for our own ultimate good.
© Sudhakar Mondithoka, April 2009-2018. You may use with permission.
[1] A family comprises of either a husband and a wife or parents (man and woman) and children. In some cases it can even have grandparents.
[2] Biblical teaching about heaven, hell, and the world in its present form is quite interesting and common thinking about these realities is generally not perfectly in line with biblical teaching. For example, most Christians do not realize that there is going to be both continuity and discontinuity between the present world (heaven and earth) and the world to come (heaven), our final home.
[3] Some time ago, I wrote an article based on Psalm 90 and Ephesians 5: 15-18 titled as “Living Life With a Heart of Wisdom.” You can find it on our website www.mondithokas.com and gain fuller understanding of what it means to live wisely rather than foolishly by reading it.
[4] The Creator’s plan for marriage involves a monogamous heterosexual relationship – it is a relationship between one man and one woman. As we will see, this is the most intimate of all human relationships and is a lifelong relationship.
[5] In fact, all humans and hence the man and the woman in marriage relationship are equal in two other respects also: 1) in their being rulers over God’s creation on God’s behalf, and 2) in their fallen-ness or in being sinful. In other words, the man and the woman are equal in their stewardship role (it is, in fact, a joint stewardship) as caretakers of God’s creation and also in their rebellion against God.
[6] See Andreas J. Kostenberger and David W. Jones, God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundations (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 2004), 75. In pages 25-127 of this book the authors give some extremely useful and solidly biblical insights into the principles that we are studying and many other related subjects.
[7] See Mathew Henry’s comment on this in his one volume Bible Commentary.
[8] Martin Luther believed the marriage to be a divinely established institution and a means of sanctification. To understand how the Luthers worked on their marriage and grew together and served the Kingdom purposes together, you can see William J. Petersen, Martin Luther Had a Wife (Chepstow, Gwent, Great Britain: Bridge Publishing (UK), 1984), 13-37. This book gives an honest and realistic account of the marriages of several other great men of God like John Wesley, Dwight Moody, William Carey, William Booth, Billy Graham, Adoniram Judson, and Jonathan Edwards. It will be quite instructive for any couple to read this book. I will use this book in writing a brief section on the Luthers towards the end of this essay.
[9] William J. Petersen, Martin Luther Had a Wife (Chepstow, Gwent, Great Britain: Bridge Publishing, 1984), 35-36.
[10] Honoring and loving parents is God’s will for all children and this is done in different ways. We show our love and honor when we visit them or invite them home or take them out on some occasions. Giving gifts for their birth days, wedding anniversary, and being with them for other important occasions is another way of showing our gratitude and love. Helping them financially and in other ways in times of need is for sure another way of honoring them. Good parents will be happy only when they see that all this is done from a position of strength that comes from unity between their son/daughter and son/daughter-in-law.
[11] Parenting becomes a big concern and something that brings frustration to one of the parents or both, when both are gifted and involved in ministry and particularly when it is itinerant ministry or when both are working. In such cases, the parents should discuss openly, arrive at a clear understanding about how they would go about this important task of parenting, and how they would share this responsibility in a complementary fashion with a broad agreed upon pattern. This is not easy, but not impossible. Even one only one parent works, there is a problem, because the working parent tends to leave the whole parenting responsibility on the other parent and this leads to frustration.
[12] J. P. Moreland, Scaling the Secular City: A Defense of Christianity (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1988), 249.
[13] See William J. Petersen, Martin Luther Had a Wife (Chepstow, Gwent, Great Britain: Bridge Publishing, 1984), 29-30.
[14] Ibid, 28.
[15] Ibid, 34 and 13-14.
[16] Ibid, 27.
[17] Ibid, 26-36.
© 2009-2018 Hyderabad Institute of Theology and Apologetics